𝔗he Haunted Mansion movie from 2003 was not the first motion picture based on a Disney attraction, nor was it the best. (I wouldn’t call it the worst, either. It wasn’t great — just so-so.) But this post isn’t about the film itself. If you want my opinions on that, you’ll have to check out our Reviews section. This Halloween, I want to speculate on what it could have meant for the ride itself if the movie had been successful, like Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl was.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, and don’t mind a few minor spoilers, here’s what it’s about:

(If you’d rather see it for yourself, you can watch it on Disney+, rent or purchase it digitally on Amazon Video, or purchase the Blu-ray/DVD on ShopDisney or Amazon.)

Eddie Murphy plays Jim Evers, a workaholic real estate agent who can’t pass up an offer to sell an old mansion in the Louisiana bayou while en route to a family vacation. Once they’ve arrived, they discover the mansion is all but abandoned, with only the master, Edward Gracey (Nathaniel Parker), as well as his butler (Terrence Stamp), footman, and maid remaining. The Evers family find themselves trapped at the mansion overnight, and discover many secrets during their visit, including the death of Gracey’s fiancée, Elizabeth Henshaw, and a curse put on the house and property that the family must lift in order to be allowed to leave.

That’s the gist of it, anyway. Obviously, to fill 90 minutes, a lot more happens, and I left out key revelations for people who still haven’t seen it. Honestly, it isn’t a terrible movie. Its tone is inconsistent, and Eddie Murphy is given a little too much room to improvise, while recognizable characters like Madame Leota (Jennifer Tilly) are mostly comic relief. Still, music and production design are beautiful, the characters of Edward Gracey and his butler, Ramsley, are very well performed, and when Eddie Murphy has to be serious, he actually does it well.

Unfortunately, none of it was good enough. Critics lambasted it, fans were disappointed by it, and casual audiences who knew nothing about the ride were just confused by it. It made its money back at the box office, but paled in comparison to Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, which released mere months earlier, during the summer blockbuster season. Since its release, Disney has given it very little recognition.

Pirates of the Caribbean, on the other hand, spawned an entire franchise, which continues to see entries: four sequels, about a dozen video games, thirty books, a mini-series of comic books, toys, costumes, LEGO sets, and, most recently, a tie-in with Microsoft’s online multiplayer pirate game, Sea of Thieves.

But more relevant to us is how Pirates’ success changed its source material, the original attractions in Disneyland, Walt Disney World, and in later years, Tokyo Disneyland and Disneyland Paris. Audio-Animatronics of Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Hector Barbossa, and a neat projection effect of Davy Jones appeared in the ride, along with updates to music, dialog, and set dressing. When Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides came out, Florida’s Magic Kingdom even added projections of Blackbeard and mermaids to the haunted grotto scene, as well as a mermaid skeleton tied to the bow of a boat.

Since the decline in popularity of the film franchise, some of these additions have been scaled back. The attractions saw no additions of Captain Armando Salazar, nor any other characters or imagery from Dead Men Tell No Tales — the most recent, worst performing, and it seems last entry in the series — and even Davy Jones, Blackbeard, and the mermaids have been removed from the ride in both American parks.

Similarly, The Haunted Mansion’s poor performance and reception meant that no changes were ever even considered for the ride that inspired it.

But what if…?

What if The Haunted Mansion had been the runaway success Pirates was? What if Jim Evers, Edward Gracey, and Ramsley became as iconic as Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and Barbossa? What if the film inspired its own movies and licensing deals? What could Disney have done to the classic attraction to help tie it in with the movie?

Welcome, foolish mortals, to our Haunted Mansion movie tie-in thought experiment. I am your host, your ghost host.

There’s no turning back now…

Our tour begins… well, outside, actually. The movie’s mansion is mostly based on Disneyland’s façade, with the Magic Kingdom’s greenhouse attached to it. I highly doubt Disney would build a new façade to match the movie’s, but they could repaint them to match they yellowish grey color of the movie’s mansion. Both mansions were built to look new and well-cared-for on the outside, but the Phantom Manor and Tower of Terror changed what was fitting for within a Disney park, so they could make them look more abandoned and dilapidated.

Once we enter the Foyer, that’s where the changes could really start. For example, the music. The music throughout the attraction is a dirge of Grim Grinning Ghosts played on a pipe organ. Much like Pirates of the Caribbean, Disney could adapt the hauntingly beautiful motion picture score by Mark Mancina for the attraction, or at least record a new orchestral score for the attraction. Another option would be to reuse John Debney’s orchestral score from Phantom Manor in Disneyland Paris, which is also adapted from Grim Grinning Ghosts.

Now, in the Foyer, you are introduced to your host — your Ghost Host. Brilliantly performed in Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom by veteran TV, movie, and radio actor, Paul Frees, the Ghost Host doesn’t appear in any shape or form in the movie (except for an impression of his “Welcome, foolish mortals” quote performed by Corey Burton over the opening titles). So who will guide us through the boundless realms of the supernatural? Jim Evers could be the new narrator, voiced by Eddie Murphy vocal impersonator, Mark Moseley, but that wouldn’t really fit the atmosphere or story of the attraction. After all, we don’t want to change the Haunted Mansion, just “plus it” with elements from the movie, such as replacing the master of the house’s portrait with one of Nathaniel Parker as Edward Gracey.

Also, perhaps Parker (or a soundalike) could be the new Ghost Host. It would certainly make sense, considering the stretching room correlation between the attraction and film. If you don’t think Parker could deliver as sinister a tone as Frees, pay particular attention to how he says the line “Of course, you are all welcome to spend the night here… I’m afraid there’s no other way,” at 22 minutes and 20 seconds into the movie. If that doesn’t give you hot and cold running chills, you may already be dead. Of course, there is another, possibly more fitting option: Ramsley, the butler. Terrence Stamp is well known for playing creepy and unsettling characters, so casting him as the new Ghost Host would also be a fitting choice.

As I previously stated, we don’t want to change anything unnecessarily, so I would keep the script pretty much the same, despite a new narrator. I also see no reason to change the Stretching Room in any way. It never depicted any of the Mansion’s identifiable characters, after all (retconned Constance doesn’t count). And even though Wallace Shawn delivered the iconic line, “There’s always my way,” as the footman, Ezra, in the film, I’d give it to Parker here, since it is meant to be Edward’s body hanging from the rafters. This is also a great place to add Mancina’s score as the lights go out, and maybe a projection on the scrim and cupola of the ghosts and fire dragon from the movie’s finale.

Disneyland’s changing portrait hall is already depicted more-or-less verbatim in the film, so no reason to change anything in Disneyland’s load area, although adding the table, phone, and mirror to their “eerie lit limbo of boundless mist and decay” would be a nice touch. Using the same technology as the Tower of Terror’s, they could even reproduce the scene from the movie wherein Jim sees his reflection as a rotting corpse, just before sending guests up the stairs. In the Magic Kingdom, the load area is already dressed with furniture and props, so this effect could easily and discretely be added to the first room with the stairs and floating candelabra.

One of the most recognizable sets from the movie is the ornate staircase in the mansion’s Foyer. Utilizing one of the Magic Kingdom Haunted Mansion’s mirrored walls in their Escher staircase scene, this scene could be redressed to look like the movie’s staircase, with guests traveling up the left side, and their ghostly doppelgängers ascending the right side, with “both sides” turning the corner away from each other at the top.

The Corridor of Doors would mostly remain the same, except maybe to replace the floating candelabra in the Endless Hallway with the bluish glowing Ghost Ball from the film. It might also be worth updating the screams and sound effects in the Corridor to something a little less radio-drama cartoony and more realistic.

The Seance Room is another room that would require little-to-no change. Jennifer Tilly’s Madame Leota looks enough like the attraction’s version that there’s really no reason to update it. If they really wanted to, literally the only thing that would need to be changed is the projection and audio, but I would prefer they not change a thing.

Now we move into the Ballroom. Of the rooms in the ride that made it into the movie, this one would be the most different, aside from the Foyer. I wouldn’t want to remove the organ console itself, since it has such a rich history (at least in Disneyland), but it wouldn’t be too difficult to add the additional pipes and ornamentation from the movie to the attraction. The same can be said for the fireplace.

Most of the Audio-Animatronics can stay the same, except for one thing — the Haunted Mansion movie depicts the party as a masquerade with most of the attendees wearing Mardi Gras style domino masks and lavish clothes. This would be an easy enough change to make. I can see the ghosts on the chandelier holding masks on rods instead of wine glasses, and the dancers in brightly-colored, frilly outfits. Another change they could make would be adding animatronics of Edward and Ramsley on the balcony, probably something similar to Melanie and the Phantom in Phantom Manor, with Ramsley lurking in the shadows behind the curtain.

Moving into the attic, things change drastically. Gone are the wedding gifts and paintings, as well as Constance. Instead, we’re restoring the attic to its original state — more or less. While the movie-based attic is simple, cluttered, and atmospheric, a new effect complements it: a blue ball of light that travels around the room and out of sight. Your Doombuggy follows this light around an obscured corner and you come face-to-face with Elizabeth Henshaw in her wedding dress, floating in a T-pose like she does at the end of the movie, a candle in one hand, decayed bouquet in the other, reciting forlorn lines of lost love. The face of this figure would be a projection of Marsha Thomason, à la Madame Leota, but the rest of the figure would be fully animatronic, unlike Constance.

As we turn out the window to leave, here’s where I take some liberty with the timeline. The original Hatbox Ghost was removed from the Haunted Mansion sometime in August of 1969, shortly after the ride opened. The new, fully animated and operational Hatbox Ghost wasn’t introduced until May 9th, 2015, and thus far, only in Disneyland. Using the power of ♫Imaaaaaaaginaaation♫, we’re going to figure out the Hatbox Ghost effect in 2003 and install it where it is now… except instead of the face of Ezra the Hitchhiking Ghost, we’re going to give him the face of Ezra the Footman, played by the inimitable (and inconceivable!) Wallace Shawn.

So now we’re scaling backwards down the roof of the Mansion, and about to enter the Graveyard. Our Doombuggies turn to see, standing outside the Graveyard, lantern in hand… Jim Evers, with his two children, Megan and Michael, holding onto his torso behind him. All of them are, of course, modeled after their respective actors, and Jim is in the exact same pose as the Caretaker he replaced. His facial expression matches as well. In fact, much like all the previous movie-based animatronics, everything about Jim Evers is as close to the original ride’s as possible. The rest of the Graveyard plays out exactly the same, except the hokey ’60s rock music has been replaced by a more timeless jazz-orchestra rendition, perhaps using the Phantom Manor’s recording.

Finally, we arrive at the Crypt, and the Hitchhiking Ghosts. Just like the Graveyard, there’s not much to change here. The Hitchhiking Ghosts appear in the film with no significant alterations. The only thing I would add is an old-fashioned, jump-scare popup of Ramsley that appears maybe once a minute in a random mirror, to mimic the way the character tends to suddenly appear behind the Evers in the movie. Also, I would replace the Ghostess’ gown and veil with a maid’s outfit like Emma wears in the movie, and Leota Toombs’ face with Dina Waters’. (I would keep the dialog because, honestly, Waters’ voice is not dissimilar to Toombs’, and that would keep the Imagineer’s face (as Leota) and voice (as the Ghostess) in the attraction even after the refurbishment.)

Of course, as previously mentioned, The Haunted Mansion movie was not successful. It currently holds a 14% critical review average on Rotten Tomatoes, and a marginally better 30% audience score. It’s generally disliked and disowned by fans of the ride, who have been holding out hope that a reboot produced by fantasy-horror master Guillermo del Toro would finally come to fruition. (This has yet to be officially confirmed, but is looking less likely with each announcement of the upcoming film’s progress.)

Considering how polarizing the introduction of film elements to the Pirates of the Caribbean attractions have been over the years, nothing good could have come from a Haunted Mansion retheme based on the movie. But it’s fun to imagine what could have been if the film had been as popular and influential as its contemporary.

The Disney Park Bench
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